How would you define an “authentic person”?
Now apply your definition to yourself and answer this question - “How closely does the way you live align with your definition?”
And now the real test - “Would those who know you well agree?”
Admittedly, these can be challenging questions to consider because most of us probably give little thought to what being authentic requires.
The simplest way I found to define it is this -
Authentic people know who they are, show who they are and stay true to who they are regardless of where they are or who you are.
However, in my experience, living that definition isn't always that simple.
Why?
Because most of us have a sense of who we are without ever having deliberately determined what defines us.
And by “defines” I mean being clear about the beliefs, values and principles that guide our lives and the qualities that make us who we are.
Without that clarity, it becomes difficult to know who we are, genuinely show who we are, and even harder to stay true to who we are.
That’s why I think genuinely authentic people are so rare.
Understanding Who We Are
Long before we assume full responsibility for our lives, much of the foundation of who we are is already in place.
Our families, mentors, role models, culture, education and experiences influence what we believe and value, how we behave and how we see ourselves and the world around us.
When those influences provide sound guidance and instill healthy ways of thinking, choosing and living, they can give us something sound to build on.
But not everyone receives that kind of foundation. As we grow up, some of us are exposed to conflicting or unreliable influences, while others receive little meaningful guidance at all.
Either way, we carry much of what we have learned into adulthood, often without considering whether the beliefs, values and ways of thinking and living we adopted came from sources worthy of our trust.
Then we encounter “real life” on our own - getting married, having children, building relationships, working, competing, succeeding, failing and facing different expectations and pressures.
As these experiences, responsibilities and pressures accumulate, they stretch us and stress-test the foundation we bring with us into adulthood - often in ways we may not recognize at the time.
Sometimes the good things about us can gradually be pushed too far, become distorted or take on more importance than they should, and begin changing how we see ourselves, what we value and how we live.
- Achievement can become more than something we pursue and begin determining our sense of worth or how we measure ourselves.
- Responsibility can turn into a need to control people, circumstances or outcomes rather than simply doing what is ours to do.
- Loyalty can lead us to compromise beliefs, values or principles in order to preserve a relationship, commitment or way of life.
- The desire for acceptance can cause us to change ourselves to gain approval, belong or meet the expectations of others.
These changes rarely happen all at once. They tend to happen gradually, often without us realizing how much they are changing who we are.
Unless something makes us stop and take a closer look, we can go a long time without seriously examining who we have become, what has changed along the way, or what actually defines us now.
Developing Authenticity
At some point, we may recognize something about who we have become or how we live that makes us question whether it aligns with who we believe we are or want to be.
In my twenties, I gradually drifted away from many of the beliefs and values I grew up with. In the years leading up to my thirtieth birthday, I felt as though I had lost myself. Recognizing that was one thing. Understanding how I had gotten so off track and what needed to change was another.
What followed was several years of questioning and examining myself, studying and searching for answers, and working with a trusted counselor.
That process led me back to the anchor I had drifted from - God - the source of my identity, faith, values and guiding principles. But finding my way back was only part of it. I also had to learn how to bring what I believed and valued back into alignment with how I was actually living, apply it across different parts of my life, and live it more consistently.
To make a long story short, I eventually created a mission statement that defined my values, guiding principles, non-negotiables and the person I wanted to be - which helped me reset the course of my life.
I did not have a framework to follow at the time. But looking back, I was eventually able to identify and articulate the progression I had gone through, which became the basis for the framework I now use.
THINK CLEARLY - Begin by understanding where you are, how you got there and whether what you thought was true about yourself aligns with the reality you see.
- Awareness - What does the way I am actually living reveal about who I have become?
- Truth - What reality am I facing, what led me here, and what truth am I missing?
CHOOSE WISELY - Determine what will anchor who you are and what needs to change to align your life with it.
- Anchor - What truth can I trust, and what values and guiding principles should I commit to?
- Alignment - What needs to change in how I think, choose and act to align my life with my values and guiding principles?
LIVE INTENTIONALLY - Put that alignment into practice, focus on what matters most and learn from the results.
- Integration - Where in my life do I need to operate differently, and what would that look like in practice?
- Focus - What pressures, priorities or distractions could pull me away from what I have determined matters most?
- Impact - What are my actions producing, and what can I learn from the results?
Applied to my own life, this process helped me better understand who I was, recognize where my life was inconsistent with what I believed and valued, and make the changes needed to live more authentically - more aligned with my beliefs and values.
The challenge is that authenticity can break down in three different ways -
- If we do not know ourselves, we may sincerely believe we are being authentic while not really understanding what defines us.
- If we know ourselves but do not show ourselves, other people are seeing a version of us rather than who we actually are.
- If we know and show ourselves but do not stay true to ourselves when circumstances, pressures, or costs arise, our authenticity becomes conditional.
I learned that this process is both incremental and iterative, with each step building on what I learned along the way.
As we continue to learn and encounter new circumstances, new awareness can lead us through the process again - seeking truth, clarifying what anchors us, realigning where needed, integrating those changes into our lives and learning from the results.
Final Thoughts
Even when we become clearer about who we are, different circumstances, roles, relationships and responsibilities require us to adjust.
But how we adjust matters.
- Adaptability means adjusting how we operate while remaining true to who we are.
- Malleability means allowing circumstances or pressures to begin changing who we are.
Malleability is not always a bad thing. When we realize we are on the wrong track, being malleable is necessary. The problem is allowing circumstances, pressures or other people to reshape us in ways that pull us away from what should define us.
And being authentic does not mean refusing to adapt to different circumstances. It means learning how to operate within them without allowing them to redefine who we are or what we will and will not compromise.
The Biblical example that illustrates this most clearly for me is Daniel.
Daniel was likely still a teenager when Babylon conquered Jerusalem and the kingdom of Judah around 605 BC. The Babylonians removed him from the culture he knew, gave him a Babylonian name, educated him in Babylon's language and literature, and prepared him to serve in the king’s government.
In many ways, Daniel adapted. He learned the culture he now lived in and served under four different rulers - from Nebuchadnezzar of the Babylonian Empire to Cyrus of the Persian Empire - while rising to positions of significant responsibility and influence.
But Daniel's adaptability had limits. Early in the story, he refused food from the king’s table because doing so would have violated his beliefs. Later, when a new law made prayer to anyone other than the king punishable by death, Daniel continued praying to God as he had done before.
That decision led to his being thrown into a lions’ den, where God protected him, and he survived.
Daniel was adaptable without becoming malleable. He knew who he was and what he would and would not compromise.
The Babylonians could take away his homeland, change his name and place him in a foreign culture, but they could not redefine who he was because his identity, faith, values and guiding principles were anchored in God.
Knowing who we are is foundational. Showing who we are allows others to see who we really are. Staying true to who we are - when there is something to lose - is where authenticity is truly tested.
Most of us will never face what Daniel faced, but we will face circumstances that reveal whether we are truly living according to the beliefs, values and principles that define us.
Authenticity is not proven by who we say we are. It is revealed by whether the person we know ourselves to be is the person we show others - and the same person we remain true to when life offers us a reason not to.