Having all the answers

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to think they have all the answers or always needs to be right?

And I am not talking about know-it-alls or full-blown narcissists. Nor am I thinking of those who unashamedly butt into other people’s business and are constantly looking for, or even creating, problems to solve. With these types of people, it would be reasonable to consider setting boundaries or necessary endings of relationships or interactions with them.

Instead, I am speaking of key people who are influential in our life or have the power to influence it, who strongly believe or think they need to, should or must have all the answers. They might be our bosses, leaders, business partners, mentors, advisors, friends, parents, grandparents, siblings, or spouses.

They tend to dismiss input or shoot down ideas from others readily. They frequently focus solely on finding flaws in other people’s thinking and are likely to forcefully assert their position as if it were absolute truth, unworthy of challenge.

Listening is not their strong suit. They may genuinely have our best interests at heart while simultaneously not acting in our best interests or even their own best interests. Conversely, they may, knowing or unknowingly, solely focus on their own best interests.

Based on my experience, these are typically command-and-control people whose autocratic approach can be highly effective, at least in certain situations, environments, or with sparing use. They also may operate in a “critical parent” ego state, possibly instructional, consultative or advisory in intent but rigid, judgmental and controlling in substance.

If these thoughts resonate with you, here are some questions that I might ask as a coach and that you might ponder - or even, in your own words, ask someone who exhibits these traits. (Note - ready yourself for possible blowback)

• How does having all the answers benefit the learning or development of those you manage, lead, advise, or feel responsible for?
• How might having all the answers be detrimental to a decision, advisory or instructional process?
• How might being open to or soliciting the thoughts, ideas or input of others possibly benefit a decision, advisory or instructional process?”
• How might not being open to or soliciting the thoughts, ideas or input of others be harmful relationally?
• How might being open to or soliciting the thoughts, ideas or input of others be beneficial relationally?

When I was young, I learned that adults weren’t always right or more intelligent than me, much less have all the answers. However, there have been times or situations in my life when I thought I was expected to or needed to have all the answers. This thought still surfaces at times, but in coaching, it is not about having all the answers – it is knowing the right questions to ask to help others figure things out or find the answers from within.

And over time, through trial and error, I learned the following -

• When we assume or are allowed or are assigned responsibility for finding answers, we learn more, even if it takes a little help from someone else.
• When we play an integral part in finding answers, we become part of figuring out solutions, therefore assuming some level of responsibility and ownership in the process.
• The more we have the responsibility for and ownership of figuring out solutions, the more we learn about decision-making.
• The more we are involved or responsible for decision-making, the more we experience the consequences of good and bad decisions.
• Experiencing the consequences of good and bad decisions teaches us the importance of good judgment.
• The more we understand the importance of good judgment, the more inclined we should be to invite and value the input or wise counsel of others, which leads to better decision-making.
• When we learn to take responsibility for our decisions and their consequences, we demonstrate integrity.
• When we have good judgment and integrity, we have two essential traits of a good boss, leader, business partner, mentor, advisor, friend, parent, grandparent, sibling, or spouse.

And as a good friend and mentor once told me, and which undoubtedly applies to me -

“Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment - and I have a lot of experience.”

(Paraphrased from the original quote attributed to multiple sources.)