Listening: Leading with Your Ears
What does it feel like when someone truly listens to you?
Not just hears you, but really listens - meaning attentively, patiently, and totally focused on you. You feel heard, valued, respected, and sometimes, even unexpectedly understood.
Now flip the question: What does it feel like when someone doesn't listen? My guess would be feeling frustrated, insulted, angry, hurt, disappointed, or disillusioned.
Most of us intuitively should know how powerful listening can be. And yet, in today's world, flooded with platforms for quick expression, instant reaction, and loud opinion, genuine listening has quietly become a lost art.
And that's a problem - because listening is foundational to how we live, lead, and relate to one another.
That's why listening is more than a communication skill - it's a core leadership trait. Not just because good leaders model it, but because they lead with it. They listen first, before reacting, solving, or speaking. In that way, listening leads the way.
Here are five thoughts on how listening impacts how we relate, lead, and respond - personally and professionally.
- Listening Isn't Passive
Too often, listening is treated as a passive activity - something we do while someone else takes the stage. But real listening is far from passive. It demands presence, self-control, and deep curiosity. When we listen with our full attention, we communicate that the other person matters. Their thoughts matter. Their experiences matter. We don't have to agree; just listen and learn. In doing so, we shift from shallow exchanges to meaningful interaction.
In coaching, I often witness how truly listening creates space for insight to surface. Sometimes people don't even need a solution; they need someone willing to stay quiet long enough for their own clarity to surface.
- Listening Is Leadership in Practice
Back in earlier days, I didn't feel the need to have all the answers, but I did want to cut to the chase. If someone came to me with a situation or issue, I preferred they tell me upfront how I can help instead of starting with a long backstory. Without that clarity, my mind would jump ahead, trying to identify and solve it before they finished speaking.
This was more about effectiveness than efficiency. But looking back, I realize I was still filtering everything through my own lens. What I thought was purposeful listening sometimes came across as impatience, which occasionally short-circuited what the other person actually needed - space to be heard.
Over time, I've learned that not everyone can get to the bottom line on their own. Some need a little help getting there. And at the same time, there are moments when leaders must fast-forward a conversation, especially when the situation calls for quick clarity or time is limited. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
More than once, I've had clients say, "I already knew what I needed - I just needed someone to listen long enough for me to say it out loud." Those moments reminded me that sometimes, presence matters more than answers.
Effective leaders know when to speak, ask questions, stay quiet and how to help others get to the point. Listening isn't a weakness; it's wisdom grounded in humility. It builds trust, increases understanding, and strengthens connection.
- Listening Reflects More About Us Than We Realize
How we listen says a lot about who we are. Our listening reflects our emotional posture, sometimes more than our words. We can claim to care, but if we interrupt unnecessarily, redirect, or zone out, our actions reveal something else.
Listening is a window through which others can see our willingness to make space for their voice, not just ours, especially when what they say challenges us. It takes humility to stay present in the face of views we disagree with or emotions we find uncomfortable. But when we do, we honor others and expand our perspective.
This is what psychologists and leadership experts refer to as "active listening" - a deliberate focus on what's being said, how it's being said, and what might be driving it. Daniel Goleman, who helped popularize the concept of emotional intelligence, emphasizes that active listening is a key component of empathy, one of the five pillars of emotional intelligence. It's about tuning in to emotions, asking clarifying questions, and responding in a way that makes people feel understood and valued.
Active listening requires discipline. It's a choice to listen with our full attention, without judgment or distraction. And when practiced well, it becomes not just a communication skill, but a relational superpower.
- Poor Listening Has a Cost
Kate Murphy, in her book, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters, writes, "People tend to regret not listening more than listening, and tend to regret things they said more than things they didn't say."
Listening doesn't just strengthen relationships; it also protects us from saying things we later regret or missing the chance to truly understand someone. Haven't we all jumped to conclusions or failed to ask one more question? Sometimes, we don't fully realize how a lack of listening undermines trust and quietly creates tension, that is, until we begin to see things unravel.
- Listening Is Underrated, But Essential
In a culture saturated with noise, opinions, and distractions, genuine listening seems increasingly rare but urgently needed. Kate Murphy writes, "Listening is more of a mindset than a checklist of dos and don'ts." That mindset requires us to set aside our urge to respond and instead seek to understand.
Research from Harvard Business Review confirms that the best listeners aren't just quiet, they're active. They engage, affirm, and support the speaker, often drawing out insights through thoughtful follow-up questions. It's this kind of listening that builds trust and accelerates learning.
Likewise, a large-scale study by Zenger Folkman found that the most effective leaders were consistently rated as the best listeners. Ironically, listening was not often seen as a priority leadership skill until its impact was observed in the highest-performing individuals, highlighting just how underestimated it can be.
Rather than diminishing our voice, listening clarifies when and how to use it. The best communicators don't just speak well; they listen first.
Practical Ways to Listen Better
Listening well isn't about perfection; it's about intention. The following practices can serve as daily reminders for building your listening capacity:
- Slow down - Silence is not a void to fill; it's a space for processing and presence.
- Stay curious - Curiosity opens doors that judgment shuts.
- Check your perspective - Step into their shoes to gain understanding.
- Notice nonverbal cues - What's unsaid often reveals more than what is.
- Resist the urge to fix - Most people need understanding as much as or more than solutions.
- Reflect before responding - Show you've heard, not just waited to speak.
- Be present - Put away distractions and focus fully. Presence is the gift people remember.
Final Thoughts
True listening begins not with technique, but with humility and curiosity. It's the decision to set aside our agenda, not because it lacks value, but because we value others. Listening reveals how we think, what makes us uncomfortable, and whether we're grounded enough to hear what we might not expect.
What we resist hearing reveals what we fear -
- Fear of losing control - when we interrupt or steer the conversation to avoid uncertainty.
- Fear of disagreement - when we shut down opposing views to avoid conflict.
- Fear of emotional discomfort - when someone's pain or intensity exposes our own vulnerability.
- Fear of being wrong - when we half-listen just long enough to defend, not understand.
When emotions run high, these fears often show up in how we speak or react. The wisdom of the Bible speaks directly to this - "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." (James 1:19, NLT).
Proverbs reminds us, "Listen before you answer. If you don't, you are being stupid and insulting." (Proverbs 18:13, GNT). These words challenge not just our behavior, but our attitude and approach toward others, encouraging patience, restraint, and respect. This matters not just in leadership or work but also in our families and everyday encounters.
And nowhere is it more important than with our kids. When we stop and listen - without reaction, distraction or correction, we show them they matter and provide the safety and attention they need to express what they may not yet know how to say.
So in your next conversation, pause - don't plan your reply - don't push your point.
Just listen … you might be surprised by what happens when you do.